Part 5.0

Very small update:

(The light from the entrance brightens as the room darkens further. Footsteps can be heard approaching slowly. LOUIS enters).

LOUIS (With a friendly smile): Hello, ladies!

DAVID (To PAUL): Ladies?

PAUL (To DAVID): He’s talking to us.

DAVID (To PAUL): We aren’t female.

PAUL (To DAVID): He’s insulting us.

DAVID (To PAUL): That—

LOUIS (Interrupting): Did I miss it?

DAVID (To PAUL): Well that was rude.

PAUL (To DAVID): What?

DAVID (To PAUL): He interr—

(LOUIS notices JOESEF)

LOUIS (Interrupting): Oh pooh, I did. (He crosses to JOESEF and sees the blood) Messy this time. (he tries to move JOESEF with out touching the blood. He is unsuccessful. He looks to PAUL and DAVID who are whispering to each other). Little help? (They look at him, annoyed and go back to whispering). Move him.

Part 4

DAVID: Well?

(Paul yawns again)

JOESEF: I wish you wouldn’t

(Paul looks at him blankly)

DAVID: Why not?

PAUL (Almost at the same time): Why not?

JOESEF: I don’t like him.

DAVID: Now that’s just not nice.

PAUL: Apologize.

JOESEF: Why?

PAUL: He as feelings you know.

DAVID: Yeah.

JOESEF: No he doesn’t.

PAUL: Yes he does.

JOESEF: No.

DAVID: Yes.

JOESEF: No.

PAUL: Yes.

JOESEF: Do you like him?

PAUL: He’s all right.

DAVID: Oh well thanks for you support.

JOESEF: I wasn’t talking to you.

DAIVD: That’s why I didn’t respond to you I responded to him.

PAUL: And I responded.

JOESEF: You can’t respond to him he didn’t say anything.

PAUL: Yes I did.

JOESEF: He’s not here.

DAVID: Yes he is. He’s sitting right there. Or did you mean you don’t like him? In which case
I’m here but you should apologize to him.

JOESEF: No.

PAUL: You don’t like me?

JOESEF: Not you.

DAVID (said the way PAUL said it): You don’t like me?

JOESEF: (Same as the first): Not you.

DAVID: Oh, Him.

PAUL: Who?

DAVID: Him.

JOESEF: Him.

PAUL: Which one?

DAVID: The HIM.

PAUL (Pointing at JOESEF) : Him?

JOESEF: No not me.

DAVID: Not him. Him!

PAUL: Who’s him?

JOESEF: He’s like Her.

PAUL: There is no her.

DAVID: She was just here.

(JOESEF holds up paper)

PAUL: Oh she! (They nod simultaneously) So her is she?

DAVID: Yes.

PAUL: Then who’s him?

JOESEF: He is him.

DAVID: But not me.

PAUL: Oh, He! (They nod simultaneously) You don’t like he?

JOESEF: No.

(PAUL yawns)

DAVID: Don’t.

PAUL: You said she usually comes.

DAVID: She usually does.

JOESEF: But He might.

PAUL: But he might not. (He yawns)

DAVID: He’s got a point.

PAUL: He does?

DAVID: No you do.

PAUL: Oh. (He yawns)

JOESEF: True, but…

(PAUL Yawns)

DAVID: Just let him.

(Pause. PAUL Yawns)

JOESEF: Fine.

PAUL: Thank you. (He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a razor and cuts his wrists. After a
while he slumps over.)

JOESEF: I hate that one.

(They pause and listen. There is no sound of running feet)

DAVID: Guess you were right.

(The room darkens a little.)

PAUL: Yup.

Part 3

JOESEF: 5…4…3…2…1…

DAVID: 1…2…3…

(Abruptly PAUL bolts upright screaming in pain. DAVID and JOESEF do not react.)

PAUL: Ow! That really hurt! (Pause as he looks around to get his bearings) how long was I out?

(He gets up and crosses back to the typewriter and sits.)

DAVID: 3 more.

(PAUL looks at DAVID confused.)

JOESEF: Seconds.

PAUL: Thank you Joesef.

DAVID: Yeah thank you Joesef.

PAUL: Don’t mock me.

DAVID: I wasn’t mocking you, I was mocking him.

PAUL But you said what I said but in a mocking tone.

DAVID: But it was to emphasize how dumb his input was.

PAUL: His input wasn’t dumb.

JOESEF: Yeah it wasn’t dumb.

DAVID: Yes it was.

PAUL: How was I dumb?

JOESEF (at almost the same time as PAUL): How was it dumb?

DAVID: You didn’t need to specify.

JOESEF: Specify what?

DAVID: The time measurement.

PAUL: Yes he did. How would I have known you didn’t mean minutes, or hours, or days, or
weeks, or years, or decades, or centuries, or millennia?

DAVID: You can’t be out for a millennia that’s not realistic.

PAUL: Yes it is. I was once.

DAVID: No you weren’t you were out three centuries at the most.

JOESEF: Less. Two and a half

DAVID (at almost the same time as JOESEF): Two and a half.

PAUL: And you specified then.

DAVID: Well yeah I did, it was two and a half centuries. How do you think I could tell you that in
seconds?

PAUL: You had all that time to think about it.

DAVID: You know I can’t think when some one is typing.

(PAUL looks down at the typewriter and notices for the first time that the paper is gone.)

PAUL: Why didn’t you tell me he was here?

DAVID and JOESEF: She.

PAUL: It was her?

JOESEF: Yup.

DAVID: Isn’t it usually?

PAUL: Some times it’s him.

DAVID Yeah but mostly it’s her so why would you automatically assume it was him?

PAUL: I don’t know.

DAVID: Are you sexist?

PAUL: No.

DAVID: Bet you are.

JOESEF: He can’t be sexist.

DAVID: Why not?

JOESEF: If he was sexist she wouldn’t she be here as often.

DAVID: Well he is suicidal.

JOESEF: Good point.

PAUL: Who told you that?

DAVID: He did.

JOESEF: She did.

PAUL: Well he’s lying.

(Silence. PAUL yawns.)

JOESEF: All ready?

PAUL: What?

JOESEF: You haven’t even read it.

(PAUL looks around the stage and finally finds the paper where MARY left it. He picks it up and reads.)

PAUL: Remember.

JEOSEF: That’s it?

DAVID: She typed more than that.

PAUL: That was the first word you have to wait. (Pause.) Remember. Flying fish do not fly in
the air. She was very pretty. Remember. Peanut stands are a store. She went to the club. Remember. Rubber bands have no guitar. She took the drink. Remember. Bowling balls don’t wear jock straps. She drank it. Remember. Glasses pour and see. She got dizzy. Remember. Ring pick it up, marry me. She went to bed. Remember. Bat, base, cave. She is he is she is he is she is he is. Remember time is never over but she ended.

(PAUL rips it up after he finishes reading it, and throws it toward JOESEF who collects it and starts taping it back together. PAUL puts a new paper in the typewriter and stares blankly at it.)

DAVID: I don’t get it.

JOESEF: I do.

DAVID: You do not. (JOESEF looks at him very seriously. PAUL yawns.) You do?

JOESEF: Yes.

Part 2

JOESEF: Tell me!

DAVID: Fine.

(Pause)

JOESEF: Well?

DAVID: I’m thinking

JOESEF: You don’t know why you snorted?

DAVID: No I know, I’m trying to remember.

JOESEF: You don’t remember?

DAVID: I remember why, but not really.

JOESEF: Huh?

DAVID: Just give me a second.

JOESEF: That makes no sense.

PAUL: Yeah!

JOESEF: Shut up!

(DAVID and PAUL just look at him. Pause)

DAVID: It was a curse word.

(PAUL and JOESEF look at him)

JOESEF: What?

DAVID: “Eff.”

JOESEF: “Eff” was a curse word?

DAVID: No-

JOESEF: You just said it was.

DAVID: Did you just interrupt me?

JOESEF: No.

DAVID: You didn’t?

JOESEF: Nope.

DAVID: Oh, Ok

PAUL: He did.

JOESEF: Did not!

PAUL: Don’t lie.

JOESEF: I’m not.

DAVID: You are.

JOESEF: How would you know?

DAVID: I heard you.

JOESEF: But you believed me.

PAUL: So you admit it?

DAVID: Yeah you admit it?

JOESEF: Fine, I interrupted you, I’m sorry.

DAVID: Thank you.

JOESEF: You’re welcome.

DAVID: It stands for a curse word.

JOESEF: Oh…what?

DAVID: “Eff”

JOESEF: What about it?

DAVID: It stands for a curse word.

JOESEF: Oh, yeah I know that.

DAVID: Then why did you ask?

JOESEF: I didn’t.

DAVID: What was that then?

JOESEF: What?

DAVID: The question.

JOESEF: What question?

DAVID You asked “what.”

JOESEF: Oh that.

DAVID: Yeah that…what was it?

JOESEF: I want to know what it stood for.

DAVIDL What what stood for?

JOESEF: “Eff.”

DAVID: I already told you. It stands for aa curse word.

JOESEF: Yeah, but what?

DAVID: What what?

JOESEF: What curse word?

DAVID: Oh! I don’t know.

JOESEF: You said you did.

DAVID: I did?

JOESEF: Yup.

DAVID: Did I?

PAUL: I think so.

DAVID: But you don’t know?

PAUL: Fine, I know so.

DAVID: Which?

PAUL: Which what?

DAVID: You think so or you know so?

PAUL: I know so.

DAVID: Because a minute ago you said you just thought.

PAUL: I had to decide.

DAVID: What’s to decide? I either did or I didn’t.

PAUL: I had to decide whether I remembered right.

DAVID: Well do you?

PAUL: Do I what?

DAVID: Remember.

PAUL: What?

DAVID: If I said it or not.

PAUL: I said I did.

DAVID: Just making sure.

(Pause. Paul yawns)

JOESEF: Well? (No one responds) What’s it stand for? (They look at him blankly) You know, “Eff.”

(Recognition dawns on DAVID’s face)

DAVID: I told you, I don’t know.

JOESEF: You said you did.

(DAVID looks at PAUL. PAUL nods)

DAVID: I meant I know what it stands for a curse word, but I don’t know which one.

JOESEF: You foret?

DAVID: Yes (pause) No (pause) I think I never knew.

JOESEF: Or knew and forgot.

DAVID: Yes.

JOESEF: Ok makes sense.

(PAUL yawns. Long pause, he yawns again. Pause)

PAUL: What time is it?

JOESEF: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm… (VERY long)

DAVID: 3:00

PAUL: Again?

DAVID: Again.

PAUL: Ok.

(With out hesitation PAUL pulls out a gun and shoots himself in the head slumping onto the table the typewriter in on. DAVID and JOESEF don’t react. MARY enters, running.)

MARY: Did I miss it?

DAVID: Yes.

MARY: Oh darn. (Stomps foot like a child)

JOESEF: Why are you upset?

MARY: I missed it.

JOESEF: But you always miss it.

(MARY crosses to the typewriter)

MARY: I know, but it always sounds so exciting.

DAVID: It’s not really.

(MARY looks at the body awkwardly)MARY: Could you… (DAVID and JOESEF move over to PAUL and drag him down stage right) Thank you. (Se smiles and sits at the typewriter. DAVID and JOESEF move back to their spots as MARY starts typing. There is silence as MARY types. After a while she pulls the page out of the typewriter sets it next to the typewriter and get up to leave.) Ok bye.

(DAVID and JOESEF wave and then stare at PAUL.)

Part one of new play

Don't have a title yet. Enjoy and give feed back.

(Spot on PAUL)
Paul: Ever wonder what would happen if it ended? Just nothing. Blank. A void. Most people have, at least I hope so. Being alone in that… Of course they get to experience that. Eventually anyway. You know, in the end. That’s what I’ve been told at least. No one has told me otherwise. Well no one has proven otherwise. They’ve told me sure, but never given me proof. Some say I’m going to Hell for that, some that’s all they say. I thought they were supposed to give you an out if you were condemned. Maybe that’s why I decided not to die…at least I think I did. There was the gun…or was it the razor? Afterward I was asked why I did it. I said I must have been too curios. About he end. It wasn’t that I wanted it…then anyway. Now is different now I- I remember saying I knew it wouldn’t work, I don’t remember to who it was, just that I said it. That’s another thing I hope I’m not alone in: forgetting. It seems to happen a lot what I try to remember. Maybe I could remember if it had worked. With nothing there you would have time to think. All you could do is remember. With infinite nothing to look forward to all you can do is remember the finite past. Bt with no all you can do…

(PAUL sits at the typewriter center stage. He doesn’t type. JOESEF enters looks over PAUL’s shoulder then sits in his spot)

JOESEF: Hey! (Waits) Hey! (Waits) Paul! (PAUL turns and looks at him) You remember Frankie Muniz?
(
DAVID enters stands aside and listens)

PAUL: Who?

JOESEF: Frankie Muniz

PAUL: Can’t say I do.

JOESEF: Oh come on you don’t remember Frankie Muniz?

PAUL: No

(PAUL goes back to the typewriter still not typing)

JOESEF: Seriously? (In an impression very unlike Frankie Muniz) Moooooom! (JOESEF waits) That help? (waits) “My Dog Skip?” “Big Fat Liar?” You know, Frankie!

DAVID: Of all the things he did you choose those to spark his memory?

JOESEF: What?

DAVID: Those have to be some of the worst examples to give some one to guess Frankie Muniz

(He goes and sits in his spot)

JOESEF: What should I have said?

DAVID: How abut something he’s famous for?

JOESEF: Those are things he’s famous for.

DAVID: Ok maybe “My Dog Skip” but not the other one.

JOESEF: What would you have said?

DAVID: I don’t know…(Thinks) His show?

JOESEF: He had a show?

DAVID: Yeah it was what made him famous.

JOESEF: I don’t believe you

DAVID: Well it was.

JOESEF: Then what was it called?

DAVID: (Thinks) I don’t know.

JOESEF: Thought so

DAVID: Just because I can’t remember doesn’t mean he didn’t.

JOESEF: Same thing

PAUL: I’m trying to write.

DAVID: Still?

PAUL: What do you mean still?

DAVID: You know, still.

PAUL: What?

DAVID: You’ve been working on that forever.

JOESEF: Yeah.

DAVID: Who asked you?

JOESEF: Hey, I’m on your side.

PAUL: Yeah.

JOESEF: Shut up.

PAUL: I was helping you.

DAVID: Yeah!

PAUL: Shut your pie hole!

DAVID: Dude, not cool

(Long silence. PAUL looks back at the typewriter)

JOESEF: You should really FIDO that

(They look at him)

PAUL: Fido?

JOESEF: Eff it drive on.

(David snorts)

JOESEF: What?

DAVID: Nothing.

JOESEF: No, What?

DAVID: “Eff it?”

JOESEF: What’s wrong with “Eff it?”

DAVID: Nothing

JOESEF: No, what’s wrong with it?

DAVID: Forget it.


Thats it for now basically its what I wrote backstage during the show so more to come. Comments and critics are appriciated.

June song etc.

Ithink what I'll do is I'll save June Song for times I don't have anything to post and post it in short segments. That is all.

Itemization

To start things off here's a play I wrote for The APO "One day only" play festival thing. It can best be described as absurdest:

Cast of Characters:

All characters are female aging between 18-22 (convenient huh?)

Carle- Very still, yet malleable…after all, she dies before any one speaks. Oh and she’s very attractive.

Danny- She is lazy. She is motivated by impulse. Would be as attractive as Carle, if she lost about 15 lbs. Unfortunately she doesn’t really realize this and so dresses like the other girls. She is also very competitive. (A hungry actress would be good, she eats many donuts).

Jessi- If any one was more normal they would be a statistic. She isn’t dumb, but she isn’t a genius. She isn’t gorgeous but she isn’t ugly. She isn’t the sort to stay in your mind, but she isn’t forgettable. Not fat, but not thin..etc.

Kate- Think old man on the mountain top, except she’s a woman, she is young, and its more of a cliff. She comes across ditzy and dumb, but at least she knows what she means. She does not look up from the item unless it is specifically called for. (Very action oriented)

Roxie- Nervous, bookish, fast talker. Prettier than Jessi, not as pretty as Carle. (She has a monologue or few)

Time: 12:03

Place: Next to a cliff (not a sea side one)

The Set: Nothing…Every one should enter from stage right because there is a cliff off stage left.

Props: A “thing,” A box of donuts

Costumes: Tank tops, Capri style pans (or one of similar cut), bare foot, each character has a different color

Hair: Natural and down nothing in it or holding it.

Makeup: Natural








Itemization

(At Rise: There is an ITEM center stage. This ITEM is odd looking and because of this desirable. It, however, is not a commonly recognizable item. After a short pause KATE, a strangely wise woman, enters and sees the ITEM she is interested and sits directly upstage of it. She stares at it intently. After a few more moments CARLE, a stunningly beautiful woman, enters. She sees the ITEM, runs over to it and snatches it up. She begins to silently taunt KATE with it. KATE does not take her eyes from the spot where the item was. The lack of reaction encourages KATE to do bigger and wilder taunts. The taunts build up until CARLE trips. She falls cracking her skull on the ITEM and dies on the spot. The ITEM conveniently lands right in front of KATE. She looks directly at the audience.)

KATE
(As if she was giving sage advice)
When screwing with something, you aren’t the only entity screwing.

(She looks back down at the item. She has not once looked at CARLE. Nothing happens for a while. JESSI, the most average Women in the world, enters. She stops a ways away from the other two. Beat. JESSI clears her throat. Beat.)

JESSI
Hello.

(Neither of the other two responds. JESSI shifts uncomfortably.)

I’m Jessi.

(Still no reaction from the peanut gallery. JESSI moves in closer.)

Umm—

(KATE holds up her hand in the stop sign and makes a strange whistling noise. Startled by this; JESSI stops abruptly. She stands where she is for a moment more. With her hand still in the air KATE makes the noise again and points to her hand with her other hand. She has still not looked up from the ITEM. JESSI looks at the hand and takes a step back. KATE again makes the noise, but slightly louder and a bit more irritated. She once again points to her “stop sign” hand with her other hand. JESSI, still confused, moves forward again and quickly high-fives KATE’s out stretched hand. The and immediately drops back down to where it was. KATE speaks, startling JESSI and causing her to jump back.)

KATE
Logic is like string cheese…It looks so firm, but…

(JESSI politely waits for the rest of the thought, but it does not come. She clears her throat in hopes that it may encourage the sentence to be finished, but it is not.)

JESSI
But...?

(KATE cuts her off with the whistling noise again. This time she raises her other hand in the same way as the other was, but facing the other direction. JESSI is once again startled and jumps back. Beat. KATE makes the noise again pointing to the outstretched hand. JESSI catches on and runs behind KATE to her other side and high-fives the hand. Immediately KATE drops the hand back into position. JESSI now stands in expectation of another verbal reaction from KATE. Nothing happens. JESSI starts to look over CARLE.)

JESSI
(Louder than she planned)
What’s with her?

KATE
(Quietly)
Deep sleep.

JESSI
(Whispering)
Oh…Sorry

(JESSI stands where she is a while longer and then decides to sit down. It takes her a while because she is trying to be as silent as possible. Right as her derriere hits the floor, KATE raiser her opposite hand and makes the noise. JESSI looks at it knowing what to do but not taking action. KATE loudly makes the noise again. JESSI, not wanting to wake CARLE, gets up as quickly as possible and goes to KATE’s other side to bestow the high-five. Just as their hands are about to connect, KATE drops her hand and raises the other, making the noise. JESSI moves as fast as she can to the other side and once again as their hands are about to connect KATE switches hands and makes the noise. This process repeats many times getting faster and faster Until JESSI loses her footing and falls. She lands on CARLE. Embarrassed she quickly gets up. To her surprise, CARLE does not move.)

JESSI
Why did she not—

KATE
Wake up?

JESSI
Yeah.

KATE
Deep sleep.

JESSI
Impressive.

(KATE looks directly at JESSI. There is an intense moment between them. JESSI blinks. KATE shouts.)

KATE
(Thunderously)
You lose!

(KATE snaps her head back toward the ITEM and JESSI jumps like a scared rabbit. It takes her a bit to get calmed down again. When she does she looks at CARLE again.)

JESSI
This woman could sleep through an earthquake.

(She looks to KATE for a reaction. KATE slowly shakes her head “no” and then falls to one side and stops moving.)

JESSI
She passed out?

(KATE pops back up sticks out her hand and makes the noise.)

Air-five?

(KATE sticks out her tongue and makes a farting noise. Reluctantly, JESSI walks over to her and gives her a high-five. KATE gives her a thumbs up and the drops her hand again. JESSI goes back to examining CARLE.)

You know why she passed out?

(KATE nods. Beat as JESSI waits for the never to come verbal explanation.)

JESSI
(Encouraging)
And that would be because…?

(KATE points to the object. JESSI looks at the object and moves next to KATE.)

That?

(KATE makes the noise and readys for a high-five which JESSI quickly gives. JESSI then sits down next to KATIE)

How’d it happen?

(JESSI reaches for the ITEM. Right before she touches it, KATE slaps her hand and JESSI quickly pulls her hand back. KATE then grabs JESSI’s face with one hand and makes it face her own face. With her other hand KATE makes signals “watch me” many times very quickly. When she is sure she has JESSI’s attention, she grabs the object, gets up and then immediately falls over. There is a long pause and then finally KATE goes back to her original position. JESSI just looks at her. Finally, JESSI speaks.)

JESSI
(confused)
So she touched it and then fell over?

(KATE makes the “so-so” signal with her hand.)

So is it poisoned?

(KATE makes the “so-so” signal with her hand.)

It is poisoned?

(KATE makes the “so-so” signal with her hand.)

Holy Moley! We have to get her to a doctor stat!

(JESSI goes and starts dragging CARLE in the direction she entered. She pauses.)

Which way is it to the hospital?
(KATE absentmindedly points stage left.)

Oh, right.

(JESSI starts dragging CARLE stage left. When she is almost off stage KATE makes the noise again and holds up the ITEM. JESSI stops.)

Not right now.

(KATE holds up the ITEM. JESSI looks at it and then the light bulb turns on.)

Good idea.

(JESSI drags CARLE back to where she fell originally and takes the ITEM gingerly from KATE’s hands.)

I’ll take this to them and see if they can come up with an antidote.

(JESSI starts to quickly exit backwards.)

You stay with her and I’ll send help.

KATE
Cliff

JESSI
(off stage)
What? Holy shit a cliff!

(JESSI’s scream slowly fades as she plummets to her death. Miraculously the ITEM flies back on stage. JESSI must have thrown it in panic. A thud is heard. After a moment KATE gets up and gets the ITEM. She then returns to her seat and places the ITEM back where it was .Nothing happens for a while. A shuffling is heard from off stage right and is soon followed by the entrance of DANNY, an overly competitive pudgy woman, carrying a box of donuts. She is munching on one donut as she enters.)

DANNY
(Obnoxiously)
Hello there!

(As is her habit, KATE does not respond. When no response is given right away, DANNY immediately tries again, but louder as if she is talking to some one who doesn’t speak English and speaking louder would help.)

Hello there!

(Not surprisingly there is no response. DANNY moves in closer and KATE makes the noise and holds up her hand. DANNY pushes the hand aside and leans in close to KATE’s ear. She shouts.)

Hello there!

(KATE quick as a flash faces DANNY and stares.)

A staring contest? Seriously?

(DANNY finishes the donut she’s working on and without looking away reaches into her box and grabs another one and begins munching on it.)

I haven’t met some one who can beat me in years!

(She chomps on the donut some more.)

Hold on let me prepare.

(Looks away and begins to do eye exercises. When she does KATE shouts)

KATE
Loser!

(DANNY turns to face KATE who has already turned back look at the ITEM.)

DANNY
What? No! I clearly said hold so that I could prepare.

(She finishes her donut and starts on another.)

Anyone who has ever been in a good staring contest knows that that is a legal reason to look away and the opponent must acknowledge and allow the person to prepare.

(KATE does nothing)

Now we are going to do this again.

(DANNY takes a bit of her current donut and then stares wide eyed at KATE. KATE does not look at DANNY. There is a ten second pause.)

Ten seconds have passed and you failed to meet the eye of the challenger, you lose!

(She takes a bite of her donut and talks in KATE’s face, spraying donut everywhere.)

Who’s the loser now loser?

(KATE makes a farting nose with her mouth once again and points at DANNY)

Oh really? Well we can solve this.

(She looks around and sees CARLE)

Stillness contest between her and me.

(KATE doesn’t look up from what she is doing. Meanwhile, DANNY has finished off the donut she was on and has amazingly set down the box. She starts doing some sad little stretches as if preparing for the contest. After many seconds it seems as if she is finally ready for the contest. DANNY lies on the floor next to CARLE.)

Get ready to judge loser!

(Beat)

Fine if you won’t count down I will. 3…2…1…Go!

(All movement on stage stops. After a good 10 or 15 seconds, KATE slowly gets up and moves toward the donut box. Once she gets there, she picks it up and starts walking away with it. She is not three steps away when DANNY lurches up.)

Hey now, just because you’re a loser doesn’t mean you can steal from the winners of the world.

(KATE spins around drops the donut box back where it was sits back in her spot and then points at DANNY and shouts.)

KATE
Loser!

(DANNY is for a moment rendered speechless but quickly recovers.)

DANNY
That didn’t count you forced me to move!

(KATE makes the farting noise with her mouth)
Whatever. That woman is a cheater any way; I can tell.

(DANNY moves in closer to CARLE to inspect her.)

She probably drugged herself before the contest.

(She nudges CARLE with her foot. There is no response)

God! I’m surrounded by cheaters!

(She spys the donut box. Picking it up she sits next to KATE.)

Ok, because I’m a good sport I’m going to be kind enough to give a loser like you one more chance. And no changing your mind.

KATE
(Looking up)
Changing ones mind is like banging a gong…except the gong is an ethereal body…and you’re a frat guy.

(KATE looks back down. DANNY stares at her.)

DANNY
Are you a retard or something?

(No response.)

Doesn’t matter even a retard can do this.

(DANNY takes the last two donuts out of the box and places on in front of KATE.)

Eating contest. GO!

(DANNY jams her donut in her mouth. KATE doesn’t look up from the ITEM. DANNY finishes her don’t and awkwardly jumps up to do a victory dance. As she has eaten five donuts the victory dance is short lived and she is soon out of breath. DANNY leans over and pants for a while. When she has relatively recovered, she looks over at KATE who has not moved.)

Hey, loser. You were supposed to judge the stillness competition not participate.

(DANNY notices the ITEM.)

What’s so interesting about this thing?
(She reaches for it and KATE quickly slaps her hand away. DANNY sees this as a challenge and takes on a faux kung-fu stance.)

DANNY
(in a stereotypical “Asian” accent)
Hoo. Masta Roser think champion glasshopper can’t defeat hu.

(In regular English this would be “Oh, Master Loser, thinks champion grasshopper can’t defeat her.” That aside, KATE does not respond. DANNY starts trying to snatch the ITEM like a kung-fu pupil, but KATE easily stops her from doing so. Frustrated, DANNY drops the kung-fu demeanor and starts trying to get the ITEM in any way possibly. KATE easily and calmly wards off all attacks without really moving that much at all. Winded DANNY slows and then stops, leans over and pants. A recovery time passes.)

Whatever, it’s so much harder for me than it is for you. If it had been fair I woulda won.

(DANNY looks around for something she can beat KATE at. She gazes off stage left and then turns to KATE.)

I bet ya that item I could jump from the edge of the cliff to the other side.

(Without looking up KATE gives her the thumbs down.)

Don’t think I can huh?

(DANNY once again does some lame stretches and then sprints off stage left. There is a long pause and then a thud is heard. KATE slowly gets up, picks up the last donut and puts it back in the box, walks over to stage left and throws the box off stage. She then goes back to the ITEM and sits back down. A few beats pass and then ROXIE, a nervous, bookish, mildly pretty woman, enters. She fidgets for a while and starts to exit numerous times. Finally she speaks. Did I mention she talks really fast?)

ROXIE
Hi I’m Roxie. I probably shouldn’t have told you that. I don’t know you. You could be crazy. You could be a serial killer. You could be normal. I don’t know. You’re probably a serial killer. I mean there is a dead body just laying there and you aren’t even looking at it. You’re focused on some random thing in front of you, probably the murder weapon. Oh no! You know I know! You’re going to kill me like you killed that woman in front of you. I knew this would happen. I got up today and I said to myself I said, “Self, you’re going to die today.” And now that I’ve met you I know I’m right.

(In the split second she takes to breath, KATE makes the whistling noise and puts up her hand.)
You want a high-five?

(KATE repeats the noise.)

I’m sorry, but I don’t give high-fives. There could be all sorts of germs on a person’s hands. I was watching Monk the other day and he said that there are hundreds of thousands of germs on a person’s hand. Many of which could be deadly. I don’t know if that was actually from that show but I’m pretty sure it was. If not, probably the discovery channel they have everything on there.

(KATE looks at ROXIE and stares. ROXIE stares right back.)

When some one stares at me I always have to stare back. I don’t know why it’s a compulsion I have. People say I should enter in professional staring contests. I don’t think there are actually professional staring contests. I think it is a metaphor. I don’t like metaphors. Even if there really was a staring contest in the professional sports world I couldn’t enter. It would be too much pressure. I blink when I feel pressured. Is this a staring contest?

(ROXIE blinks rapidly. KATE points at her and shouts)

KATE
Loser!

ROXIE
Why’d you call me that I open up to you and all you can do is make me nervous and then insult me. Who are you to insult me? I’m at least trying to be sociable, but you just keep staring at that thing. Why re you staring at it? Are you curious? They say curiosity killed the cat. I think it also applies to humans. If it doesn’t it should though they should change it to curiosity killed the human. Maybe you know something I don’t. I’m sure you do. Everyone has information that only they are privy to.

KATE
If you can’t hear the music, it may not be playing.

(ROXIE stares blankly at her and then continues.)

ROXIE

You do know something I don’t. What’s the use in living? I came here to kill myself any way I might as well.

(She runs off stage left. There is a long pause but no thump is heard. ROXIE re-enters.)

I couldn’t do it. I hope you’re happy. It’s your fault you know. I can’t do anything if there are people around. All I can do is talk. Is that any way to live? No. That should be your answer. I’m going home.

(ROXIE exits stage right still rambling on. There is a long pause in which KATE studies the ITEM intently. Finally she stands up with the ITEM in hand. She crosses toward stage left and casually tosses the ITEM off the cliff. She starts to exit stage right but stops long enough to say to the audience one word.)

KATE
Dysfunctional

(She finishes exiting. Curtain)